A year ago today, just about at this time, I was on the phone to someone, whom I don’t remember, but I was filling them in on the previous night’s activities. I thought I was having a heart attack, but I wasn’t. I thought I was experiencing an ulcer, but I wasn’t. Obviously, the past few years of stress had culminated into one dramatic moment where I do remember saying, "I think I’m going to pass out" as I slid onto the floor in the emergency room lobby – and I actually did black out for a few moments. I remember hearing voices and being powerless to do anything except lay there and hope my heart wouldn’t explode. A year ago about this time I was vacillating in and out of light sleep while trying to chug down 1000 mL of a contrast solution for a CT scan.

My heart was ruled to be okay, for the time being at least, but there was something else going on somewhere – so I was comforted in knowing that all of my maladies were not in my head afterall. I had things in as much of my control as possible, but circumstances, timing, politics, my stamina and my sheer persistence were at odds with each other. Once I quit throwing up, thanks to the powers of antiemetics, I felt just like I had a earlier in the day and just being out of Administration – even for a few hours, was a huge relief. Yes, I felt that throwing up off and on for seven hours, being severely dehydrated and having lab orders requested (meaning several unsuccessful attempts at blood draws in one arm, then having a huge bore IV needle stuck in the other arm – just to start fluids of saline, antiemetics, antibiotics & morphine) was better than sitting in Administration and dealing with that insanity.

A year ago today, I was calling in to the person who was acting as my boss for that week to inform her that I didn’t think I would be in on Monday. Although I had edited and filed the appendectomy protocol a few times, I still didn’t have any concept of what was about to happen to me. I could only say, "I don’t think I’ll be in the office on Monday." I also called in to the person to whom I performed as her backup to let her know I was going to be out. As the IV was being started to put me under, I was most grateful & relieved that I wouldn’t have to deal with the co-irker that had caused me a lot of my stress - for a few days at least (she was on my "give out no information" list.) Thank g*d for HIPAA.

This past year I spent recovering in a lot of ways. Physically, I had been ill a lot longer than I thought. Since I had been unwell since 2006 and had been treated for everything else other than the correct thing, I had been referred from one specialist to another. Good news: lots of tests and rule outs. Bad news: misdiagnoses leading to a lot of expensive, unnecessary tests; treatments causing more physical ailments and unnecessary worrying causing a lot of unneeded stress. After the surgery, the recovery was easy and I was able to begin undoing the damage by ceasing to take medications for things I didn’t have and get my stress levels down to a manageable level.

I also reevaluated my work situation, which was the main reason I had neglected my health situation. Instead of dealing with the idiocies and accepting the situation because I was expected to, I put my extrication plan into place. All of the energy I had spent on others which was outside of my standing responsibilities, whether asked of me or expected of me, I instead redirected back to myself. In the beginning it was hard learning to say, "no… but thank you for thinking to ask [something] of me", but I learned. Every day looking down at my appy scars, and at the scars left behind after the second round of stress-induced chicken pox from the previous year, it became surprisingly easier each day.

I am now three months away from the end of my probation period in my new position. My health continues to improve and my mental and emotional bearings are returning. I’m almost back to being the person I remember myself to be – the person who didn’t have to rely on a PDA to remember important aspects for a year of her life.